“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”
― Marianne Williamson
I pretty much always Forgive ~
But I sure as Hell am not dumb enough to Forget either!
I have been on my own since I was roughly 17 years old. Not because I did not have parents or any other family ~ no I have always just been “The Black sheep” of the herd; INTENTIONALLY.
Recently, after moving to the middle of BFE with my oldest Widowed Sister to help her ready her large home and acreage for selling ~ we had a huge falling out.
The age difference between my sister and I is 12 years.
Therefore, I grew up thinking this woman was all that and then some.
I would constantly tell people she was my hero and I hoped someday I would be just like her ~ independent, strong, super smart, beautiful, financially set by her own accounting and savings squeezing blood from a turnip.
Until this past month.
In the beginning I did what I always do best ~ I listen and agree wholeheartedly with anything and everything she felt was against her or hindering her in her grief and self-preservation.
Then I set about putting my own therapy in to the works ~ I began cutting and trimming overgrown trees, limbs, shrubs, weeds, and even repaired the falling lattice around her back deck.
There were so many trees growing onto her less-than-a-decade- home and it was my job to get it done!
I even took a job at a local restaurant my sister had worked at for the last 33 years.
I am not going to lie.
I have never worked in the restaurant industry ~ except for fast food when I was a teenager (that was like a 100 years ago).
At first, I was paid a little over minimum wage to walk people to their table (or booth) in a smoking (or nonsmoking) dining area with menus (even though there was a spectacular buffet as well). ,
Even though I am technically now an introvert ~ my old extrovert persona came rushing back to me naturally.
The customers were having an equally good time as I was entertaining them while seating them. I even made a hefty $25 in tips on one particular evening.
After about a month I was put in the kitchen as a prep cook and my specialty was the Buffet…
Two dollars more an hour.
A HELLUVA lot more work and an extremely hot environment along with some really lazy teens.
I set the buffet up, cooked everything that was on it and maintained all of it throughout my shift. As well as, making back up of the main dishes and salad bar.
On my last day I set out to find the nearest creek or river to soak my overheated chunky body.
Unfortunately, living in BFE leaves a person without phone service or WiFi.
As I headed back into town and home, my cell chimed missing text and phone messages.
All were left by my sister.
Most were hostile and belittling because she must have forgotten I am a grown ass woman and she is neither my parent (who I did not listen to when they were alive) nor my spouse (if you remember I divorced that rat bastard) and she sure as hell was not my boss (although because she worked at the same place for so long ~ she did dictate what my schedule was going to be and what jobs I was going to be doing).
I had absolutely enough of her tantrums, demands of what she needed or wanted.
I returned her texts letting her know I was in no rush to come home until she had calmed herself.
Well that did not go over well and she threatened to kick me out.
At this point I really did not care.
I told her I was returning for a change of clothes and my two old dawgs and I warned her to leave me alone when I got there because I was not feeling well enough to have any more arguments with her.
Oh. My. God.
She threatened to call the police if I took my dawgs (which was what she originally started bitching at me about because she did not want to take care of them if I was not coming straight home from work).
Are you fucking kidding me?
As soon as I got into my room she tried to open the door to rant.
I put my foot against the door so she could not enter.
Look, it was for her safety as well as my own to keep her at bay.
Therefore, she called the police and the EMT. She told the authorities she was worried I might harm myself I was so upset but she told the rest of our family she called the authorities because she feared for her own safety.
The reality was ~ she thought I would not leave her. She thought (as she had told me to do many times ~ “Keep Your Head Down and Your Mouth Closed and no one will bother you.”) Only she thought wrong.
She is going forward ~ dead to me.
My story and rant is over now.
You can all judge me or agree with me.
However, I left with less and my children when I walked out on my ex.
If someone is my blood and I was only trying to show love and support but not be controlled and the world thought I would take shit and eat it ~
Wrong life to try to manipulate.
I am now with another older sister.
In the middle of BFE tending to her acreage and working out my anger and resume.
I have no job.
Absolutely not one penny to my name and I feel completely lost in my life right now.
I will remain FIERCE!
I do need everyone’s prayers, fingers crossed, wishes, or whatever it is that each one of you bestow on others for goodness ~
Please send some my way?
In the meantime ~
As Always ~
~ Ms. Mae